MyGiftedLife.org

** This thread discusses the Content article: I Hate Mothers Day! Reflections on How to to Heal our Lives, Feed our Souls, and Fund our Dreams. **

Hi Sharon,

I've also been ambivalent about the legacy from my female relatives; as well as any fake displays of sappy emotion--particularly of the sort you mentioned in many greeting cards! (Another relentless Winnower-of-Verse here, who refuses to send a card bearing insincere sentiment. Displays of *truly* sappy emotion might be allowed, however, depending on the circumstance, LOL.

The holiday observance that irked me was the Wedding Anniversary Celebration of People With Horrible Marriages. They're basically co-dependent, so they deserve a pat on the back for stunting each other's growth, etc. for how many decades?....Wha....?

If I was really ticked off at someone, I might not bother to remember the socially-appointed days, because I either couldn't work up an honestly positive tone; or take the chance that well-wishes might be wrongly interpreted as an encouragement for continued poor behavior. Free internet cards certainly help, as they exist at every emotional extreme or lack thereof; and also require comparatively less effort/cost than a paper card.

The thing is, I really know how to make a person feel special, unique and valued if I want to (i.e. pointedly personal gifts; parties; surprises; other special consideration, etc.) But why waste it on people who neither deserve it nor reciprocate? Ideally, personal adult relationships are a 2-way street; as opposed to being either parasitical or exploitative.

Maybe the difficulty with negotiating the parent-child relationship, in particular, is how to transition beyond being either a perpetual life-draining parasite, or host-victim. Having moved well into my own middle-age, I now find myself more intolerant of over-bearing, controlling women of my Mother or Grandmother's generation.

Yes, they doubtlessly have an endless list of legitimate complaints. If I live several more years, I'll get my own opportunity to deal with menopause--and I daresay some of those close to me will be able to judge for themselves how I'm coping. I'd like to think that I might still retain the ability to consider my audience--as opposed to habitually dumping or acting out on the nearest target, seemingly without concern for potential consequences.

It would be nice to think that I could find the time and serenity to meditate or read a book when the urge hit to chew the most proximate heads off; and/or turn into a wobbly-throwing git. With any luck, I hope that hormonally-altered perception will not induce feelings of entitlement to "Go Postal," and stay there--but we'll just have to wait and see, LOL.

I guess most of us have to live with the knowledge that we have performed however imperfectly in our assigned roles; but I think it does make a difference to know that one has truly done the best that one could have under the circumstances. Knowing this may make it easier to forgive either ourselves or other people for "lapses"; and also to find pride and/or love in what we *did* accomplish as parents, given the wide array of challenges we face--particularly as women.

I tend to ignore Mother's Day now that my mother is dead. Not because it revives pain, but because it was only ever an opportunity for her to hold court. It was like a Queen's birthday for my mother, because she wielded her motherhood as a position of power. I don't think I quite ever understood that until she was gone.

My mother was overbearing, caustic and damn it, usually right, which made it much worse. I learned she was human because I saw her in moments of weakness in my early adulthood. Since she [who is obeyed] was always an outward rock, this did shake up my world. I just wish I'd caught her actually being fallible. It would have made things easier when she demonstrated some signs of dementia (secondary to her illness) near the end. My God, that was more of a blow than knowing she would die.

Anyway, the matriarchal line of my family was like that -- made up of hard, brittle women who eventually broke at the end. My grandmother, aunts, all of that same type of character: tough northerners who'd lived through wartime economies, etc.

Family events, anyway, I can't help but agree with you spiritj. It depended to me on whether there was something to celebrate or whether we were just being hypocritical or, in the case of my mother, dutiful supplicants hoping for continued Sunday dinners.

I wonder if my family was actually less or possibly more dysfunctional because of my refusing to conform to the family holiday conventions.

Yes, it is politically incorrect to acknowledge Holiday Ambivalence in the presence of those for whom they are sacred pageants of social control, instead of joyful celebrations...

In some quarters I think geographic mobility/time pressure has meant that some folks have had to learn to compromise--they just will not be able to have their offspring/grandchildren in attendance for the duration of every weekend or holiday.

Icon, I totally concur with the phrase "holding court." If they are capable of taking turns--to more or less reverse roles on other people's "territory" then I can deal a few times a year. But when the people in question seem to think they're entitled to supplication (to use your word) in every context--including events hosted by *other people* then it gets old fast. When people can't let go of family roles that others may no longer be interested in perpetuating, it's time to scale back participation in family dramas to cameo appearances, IMHO.

A funny thing happens among one segment of my gifted *and* attention-seeking relatives. They are all so good-looking, articulate, interesting, charismatic, etc. that half the time there Too Many Cooks (or shall I say Too Many Divas), LOL. When feeling threatened or left out, the older ones engage in either commanding or excluding behavior. The adolescent ones resent this and are bored gormless, so amuse themselves by developing conversations which the Oldies find irritating and/or beyond their comprehension.

Don't get me wrong, I like trading gifts and food as much as the next person, but I don't care for all the Control Dramas attached to the protocol. My world continues to revolve if people have other things to do, because thankfully I've been able to broaden my social scope.

n some cultures there is a Home Visit Protocol--if invited home for a meal, expect to stay for several hours, or be considered rude. OK, I don't mind visiting or staying for the duration if my presence seems to be appreciated. But if my hosts almost exclusively talk about themselves; or disappear into the kitchen (or into the television); then I need find something else to do (sometimes immediately--ha ha.)

I've learned to go into those potential quagmires with a backup plan--sometimes I even warn the host in advance that I might be doing X activity after the event, so if I need to go I just excuse myself. The Matri/Patri-archs might raise hell/pout the first few times, but after they realize manipulation isn't going to make their company any more attractive, and you're too old to be grounded, they'll adjust.

If you're too old to rewind back into childhood just to give Mummy and Daddy a sense of control, in many cases they can be given the opportunity to have other people meet some of their companionship/stimulation needs (assuming they're well enough to circulate.)

Unfortunately, for many folks, the Role-Playing, orchestration and performance are everything. To refuse to play along, or to applaud in all the right places, can provide an excuse for yet further-heightened levels of Drama.

I really must avoid people who assume entitlement to my company; or whose own behavior makes them routinely difficult to spend time with.

I found that the source of my mother's control over us was in direct relationship to her own father's controlling nature. In our family, he (or she) who holds the purse strings holds the power. And both used threat of removal of said financial aid in direct response to any uprisings among the 5 of us. We lived in fear of the proverbial poorhouse, because we were conditioned to believe we'd never make it in life without their monetary help. They expertly emotionally crippled all 5 of us for a while but mostly my older 2 sisters and I. My oldest sister was following in my mother's footsteps. I was abused by her as much as my mother too for the longest time, but she eventually got her comeuppance.

The conditioning began early for me, and they used manipulation, coercion, threats of calling the police, threats of having us (or more specifically ME) institutionalized for dissension. It was subtle at times, overt at others. It was brutal always. My mother refused to let me to go away to college, even though I'd been accepted to very decent universities (University of Chicago was one of them) feeling she couldn't trust me to be serious enough to study. She just wanted me to be under her roof where she could control what I did. I learned how to fight back and survive.

I fought back hard from the ages of 18-24, clawing and scraping my way out of the oppression. I ran away once at 18, came back with my tail between my legs. Moved out again at 22 into the parents of my boyfriend's home (he was in the armed forces at the time), moved back in 2 months later with my tail between my legs to finish college, but not before my grandfather wrote me a nasty letter telling me how incorrigible I was, how ungrateful I was and how I was going to be written out of the family. Finally moved out when I was 24, having completed my degree and having obtained a "real" job.

My grandfather had since mellowed in the 10 years since he wrote that letter (fortunately) and then died, also succumbing to a weird dementia in the week before he died. My mother changed too for the better. I don't think it was just because she came out of menopause (though it was the worst when that happened).

My mother also mellowed too over the years, and especially so since my grandfather died. Since I didn't walk away the family and managed to keep ties cordial, I have benefited somewhat since then (I think which somewhat makes up for the emotional abuse).

Despite the abuse I put up with, I don't think I'd be half of who I am today had it not be from sharpening my analytical skills and psychoanalytical skills trying to figure out all the mind games they played. I do credit them for the role in shaping me to be more compassionate (because they lacked compassion) and looking beyond the surface to find out why people do the things the way they do.

Generally speaking, I don't do store bought cards for family members and most people know that. I do give gifts, but not anything sentimental. I reserve those for friends and my children and husband.

Anyway, gotta run to pick up my kids.